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高考英语习作点评:旅行前的准备

Prepare my Grandparents' Journey to Shanghai
Firstly, we surfed the Internet together to book a hotel and got some information about train tickets. And we were overjoyed to learn that, luckily, the weather in Shanghai will be nice in the following days. The next morning, I went to the train station and waited for a long time before I bought two tickets. After I reached[1] home, I helped my grandparents to prepare their luggages[2],ensuring everything had been packed well. Yesterday afternoon, accompanied by me, my grandparents arrived at the train station safetly[3]. When the train began to move, I waved to them and gave them my best wishes.
Wish them to have a great journey!

修改意见:
[1] reach 表示到达是及物动词,而这里的home前面没有任何限定词,则被视为副词。所以这里改为:arrived home; 或者:got back home.
[2] luggage 是个不可数名词,不要加复数。
[3] safetly拼写错误;改为:safely

点评:22分,是一篇高档次文章,文章整体流畅,用词得体(听了俺的话就是不一样哈)。但稍微偏瘦了一点点,如果能在中间叙述部分稍微增添一丁点笔墨,就能使文章内容更充实,更雄浑有厚度。当然,这就是向满分文章进军了。
比如:when the train began to move 改成:When the train pulled out from the station, roaring away, I waved to them and gave them my best wishes.

最后一段的:Wish them to have a great journey! 改成:They reached out their heads, fixing their eyes on me, their faces beaming with satisfaction. 这仅仅是一种方向,一种熏陶,不要过多可以追求。


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