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高考英语习作点评:书籍的重要性

The importance of book
That we leave books is like the fish leaves water[1]. So[2] there's no denying that book is of significance in our life, being a part of us.
We all need books to shape our characters widen our horizon and make us more knowledgeable and skilled[3]. Furthermore, we can acquire happiness and relax from books[4]. From another perspective, we are in an age full of fierce competition. So[5] we have to equip our brain with all kinds of books to stand out from others and also make more contributions to society.
So[6] I hope, sincerely, that we can get along well with books, treating them as our good friends, loving them, valuing them.

修改意见:
[1] 此处应注意 like 是介词,如果后面接宾语从句要加 it 做形式宾语在加 that 从句,that 不能省略。That we leave books is like it that the fish leaves water. 这句话确实很别扭,而且不符合英语习惯,所以不建议使用。
建议改法:(1) Books are to people what water is to fish.
 (2) People without books are like fish without water.
另外,比喻时应注意喻体的选择。此处鱼没水就不能活,人没了水最多也就是精神空虚。
[2] 此句只有So引导的结果状语从句,而不见主句。 建议改法:在So前加上逗号,使之成为副词用法。
[3] shape our characters widen our horizon and make us more knowledgeable and skilled. 此处很明显是三个动词短语的并列,但中间少了逗号,导致句意发生偏离。建议改法:shape our characters, widen our horizon and make us more knowledgeable and skilled.
[4] we can acquire happiness and relax from books. 这里是 and 并列两个谓语,所以前后要注意对称。建议改法:We can acquire happiness and relax ourselves with books.
[5] 此处跟第二处是同样的错误,为了避免重复,建议换个句式。比如,用非限定性定语从句引起衔接就非常合适。建议改法:... fierce competition, which make it necessary for us to equip our brain with all kinds of books to stand out from others and also make more contributions to the society.
[6] 此处So是口语中的语气词,建议不要用于书面语。建议改法:去掉so

点评:18分,这是一篇本该在最高档次的文章,但 “开篇不利”及简单词 "so" 的反复不正确的使用影响了文章的整体美感,让它失去了本该属于它的位置。另外,论述的内容有些单薄乏力。稍微充实更佳。


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