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高考英语习作点评:十八岁宣言

I Recently Turned Eighteen
I recently turned eighteen, which is young for a tree, ancient(此处用old感觉跟前面的young对称) for a monkey. But (However), I am not happy at all in that felling tired and lonely.[1]
I still remember the happy time playing with my fiends when I was a child[2]. I was then, lived in a country side, having no computer or mp3.[3] Fishing and playing in the field was(were应该用复数,因为前面并列的是两个动名词)the only thing I can have fun with my friends. What a beautiful memory!
However, time changes now. Nowadays, people connect with each other by phone or through the internet, which makes people talk (the opportunity of talking) to each other face to face less and less.[4] As a result, we always find that we are lonely, feeling we lack some thing(要用something). Today, our life level improved (the quality of our material life improves a lot), while our spiritual life is getting poorer and poorer.
To be an adult is a wonderful thing, But I will meet lots of new problems as well, like, (how) to deal with the new relationships between people. What should I do with this (those) tough things? Can I do it well?

修改意见:
[1] I am not happy at all in that felling tired and lonely. 修改意见:in that 引导原因状语从句后面不能直接加短语,比如,I like singing on the stage in that it brings me satisfaction. 这句话可以改成 I, feeling tired and lonely, seldom have happy time.[2] I still remember the happy time playing with my fiends when I was a child.这句话后面的playing with my friends有中式英语嫌疑,建议直接写成 I still remember the happy time with my friends.
[3] I was then, lived in a country side, having no computer or mp3.仔细观察这句话你会发现有两个谓语 was 和lived,估计你很想用I was then这种用法而忽视了整个句子的组织。建议修改成 I was then living in the countryside without computer and mp3.
[4] which makes people talk to each other face to face less and less. 这个句子也是句式有点混乱,如果后面的less and less 不好放,建议这样写 which makes people have less and less opportunity to communicate with each other face to face.


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